No, I don't want to hear about the imaginary friend you have to beg for forgiveness for your oh so evil existence. Fuck off.
- Cops that think they're Judge Dredd
You are not the law. Or as Stallone said in the movie “duh lur”. That badge is not an entitlement to being a bully. Just because you can get away with harassing and beating the shit out of people doesn't mean you should.
- Obnoxious kids and their parents
Nothing is worse than going somewhere and having to listen to a bunch of screaming kids, while their parents stand around doing nothing. These kids should have their heads beaten against their dad's balls until they burst. That way they'll finally shut the fuck up and their stupid parents won't be able to produce more of them.
- Political pundits
In an enlightened culture, these people would be considered on the same level as the homeless old guy on the street corner yelling “Repent! Repent! Floss often!” Especially the conservative ones. Look, I hate Obama to. But could you please wash the taste of George Bush's dick out of your mouths before you open them to criticize him?
- People who celebrate their illiteracy
I have an uncle who once proudly told me he's only read 5 books in his whole life. He's almost 40. You have no idea how happy I am that I don't have any of his genes.
- Anti-smoking activists
I'm not a smoker, but I've seriously contemplated taking up the habit just to spite these whiny cunts.
- People who use the word “fuck” every other fucking word
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these fucking people? I mean, fuck!
- Drivers who fuck with cyclists
Yeah, you think you're invincible in your car? You think you can just yell and throw shit at the poor guy on the bike next to you? Well, just wait until I mount a machine gun on my handlebars. We'll see who's laughing then.
Do I need to say anything else? I can't be the only one praying that everyone in Congress dies of painful rectal cancer.
- People with peanut allergies
“But Ben, I'll go into shock if I eat anything with peanuts!” Fuck you. Man up and eat the delicious Reese's Cups, you pussy.